Happiness. Hope. Faith. Love.

I have this way of making bad decisions feel like the right decision. I can disguise them and manipulate myself into truly believing that i am doing the right thing. I constantly inflict pain onto those around me un intentionally. No wait, I decide everything i do, i make my own decisions. So i intentionally inflict pain and suffering to those who are stupid enough to get into my path. Or those who are manipulated into believing me, and not seeing through my poker face. Not seeing right into the pit of my soul where there is so much pain, suffering and hurt. They don’t see the real me, they only see what i want them to see. and feel. I have this master way of manipulation, engineering ones mind into believing my every word.

I live in this world that i design myself, perfectly crafted. It is like my own oasis. I thrive off drama and others pain. I strategically create this person, this girl who i hide behind. A mask. What you see is exactly what i intend for you to see. Behind this mask is something i fear the most. Behind a a giant wall there is a forest at dusk, all you can here is the animals moving around in the bushes, insects and birds. territory un known, a place so big, somewhere so dangerous, and easy to get lost in. Behind this mask is the real me. This is what i fear the most. 

I make bad decisions religiously. The worst part of this is that i do not feel any remorse, regret or loss. Those emotions are not physically capable of me feeling. It is like i am walking around in an empty vessel. A lifeless being. To live is to feel emotions and if i don’t feel emotions does that mean i am dead? lifeless? Wrong? Broken? It means i am lost.

The path god had designed for me i stumbled off along the way. I got lost in this big busy city, society, and got so far that turning back seemed impossible. Impossible isn’t a word. Every thing is possible. You just have to have faith, believe in miracles. believe in yourself. There is never a dream too big, too wild, too small that cannot come true. It all comes down to the decisions, the choices that you make every day.

Peace and joy is not a destination. I use to think that, Peace is a journey. Peace is the decisions that you make, the words you speak, the things you believe, the way you feel. It is not three bus stops down the road. It is the bus ride. That ride will never be easy.